Pregnancy After My Eating Disorder

I don’t talk about this often. Usually when I get comments from coworkers or strangers regarding my weight, I laugh it off and respond with, “I’ve always just been small”.

In a way, it’s true. I’m a little below average height, and well below average weight for my size. It’s always been that way—up until I was 16, when things changed. I went down the road that many young girls do; picking at every little aspect of my appearance, and unrealistically comparing myself to my peers or to celebrities. Out of everything about myself that I knew I couldn’t change—my height, my facial features, even the sound of my voice—my weight was always something I felt in control of.

So I began to diet (ie. Restricting what I ate in order to lose weight). In high school my lowest weight was 105lbs (approx. 48kg). I began to get dizzy spells that would last for hours from a lack of nutrition. I knew that was why, yet I didn’t stop.

By the time I was in university, I had dropped down to 95lbs (43kg). I also had recently gotten out of a long-term relationship that ended extremely badly. Without giving myself time to heal, or to accept what had happened after the breakup, I began to date again rather quickly. This new guy I was with was very much into fitness and going to the gym, and would constantly tell me that “95lbs is good, but less than 90lbs would be better”. I knew he was wrong, and was comparing me to girls from his home country (a body type I know I don’t have). In the end, I broke things off with him.

But my obsession with my weight only got worse. I was eating between 500-800 calories a day, taking a full class load in university, and working as a waitress 5 days a week. I didn’t “have time” to eat, and when I did it was mostly tea and banana bread, or whatever meals were served in the restaurant after hours (a sushi restaurant). I had started writing a diary of my calorie intake, as well as how many grams of fat I ate in a day. I no longer have those diaries—a black mark I refuse to dig up.

I was dating my now husband at this time, and I played off my eating habits as being “vegetarian”, though being vegetarian had nothing to do with it. As he worked all the time, it was hard for him to keep track of what I was doing—or not doing. I began to skip classes due to exhaustion, and if I became hungry, I would just go to sleep instead of eating.

By this time, at 22 years old, I was 90lbs (41kg) and my skin had broken out like a pre-teen’s. My hair had thinned dramatically, and I looked gaunt. Complete strangers and regular customers at the restaurant would ask me my weight, or say things like “honey, you’re wasting away”. Yet, I liked it. I liked the attention of being the smallest girl in the room. The idea of gaining weight gave me physical anxiety and panic attacks.

A lot of people relate eating disorders to anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa. The reality is that there are so many more aspects to an eating disorder. I’ve never been clinically diagnosed as being anorexic, and I’ve never make myself purge. Yet, my doctor had constantly told me, “You need to gain weight, or your body will stop having its cycles”.

And it did. The first two months I missed my period, I thought I was pregnant. On the third month, my period finally came—relief! I was getting used to not having my monthly cycle, and I thought it was fine. I looked the way I wanted, so who needed that annoying visit from Aunt Flo?

It wasn’t until I actually did get pregnant—something my own doctor was convinced couldn’t happen—that reality set in. I found out I was pregnant with Suzuna at 11 weeks gestation. I felt terrible at the realization that I had a life growing inside me for over 2 months, and I had done nothing but starve it and deprive it of the nutrition it needed to thrive.

It was like a light that switched inside me. I began to take vitamins, I began to eat meat again, and I doubled—if not tripled—my calorie intake. I still struggled with the weight gain, and would often have breakdowns or call my family crying. I couldn’t accept that I was gaining weight, because what if it didn’t come off?

Throughout my entire pregnancy, Suzuna measured 4-5 weeks what doctors expected her to be at. And, at 6 months along, I went into early labour.

Thinking that I was losing the precious life inside me was terrifying, and all I could do was blame myself. What if I had taken better care of myself; would this still have happened?

Luckily, doctors were able to stop the labour—and to this day we don’t know what actually caused it—and Suzuna carried to full term. She was small, yes, but healthy. Extremely healthy, and I’m so thankful. I lost 90% of my pregnancy weight within 3 months of having Suzuna, and managed to keep a healthier weight of 100lbs until my current pregnancy.

It is still hard for me to mentally accept the changes that my body has gone through because of having Suzuna—and I still dread the idea that I may not be able to lose the weight after my current pregnancy. But one thing I know for sure is that pregnancy changes the way you look at your body, and your relationship with food. Now I have a daughter—soon to be 2!—and I can’t project my negative self-image onto them. The world is bombarding girls (and boys) with what the “perfect body” is, or was is considered to be “beautiful”. The last thing my daughters need is to see their mother projecting these false realities onto herself; because they will learn from that.

I know that I will struggle with my weight for the rest of my life. After all, an eating disorder is a mental illness. I don’t believe I will ever be 100% cured of that illness.

But, I know I’ve come a long way. I’m not an expert on this, but if I could give anyone going through pregnancy following (or during) having an eating disorder, I would say this: Don’t get caught up on the numbers on the scale, or the extra belly fat or stretch marks. You’re creating a life, and that is worth protecting—even if you’re protecting that life from your own self-harming behavior.

My Little Worrying Island

As we get our paperwork together, and begin to outline our plans for the move to Japan, I am becoming increasingly uneasy about the struggles that I know we as a family (and myself as an individual) will have to overcome. I’m comforted by the knowledge that my husband is extremely supportive, and has already gone through the whole moving-to-a-different-country thing before. He’s being very honest with me, explaining the things I will, most likely, be going through at one time or another. Whether it be frustration due to language barriers, loneliness, or just regular homesick feelings, he’s giving me plenty of warning. I appreciate that.

However one thing I’m worried about recently is whether or not I will be accepted as one of the “moms” or not in the community. Here in Canada, I don’t really have any close friends that have kids. I had Suzuna when I was 22, and none of my friends were (and still aren’t) married or with kids yet. I took to social media to find playdates for Suzu, but in the end those friendships are more for the kids’ sakes, as I don’t really “click” with any of the moms I meet here.

Last weekend we attended a sports day for the kid’s Japanese school in the city. There were around 30 or so families there, and I was the only Canadian mom—all the dads were Canadian, and the moms Japanese. Many of these women I’ve known for years as acquaintances, and some I’ve never met. For the majority of the afternoon, I was ignored or treated with kid gloves. The conversations were all in Japanese, and though I was responding to everything everyone said, no one directed anything at me—only at my husband. “Is your wife pregnant? How far along?”, “How old is Suzuna?”, “Where is your wife working now?”. All these questions were for me, yet directed at my husband. I admit, I was quite frustrated.

I kept on thinking, “is this how it’s going to be in Japan?”. Am I going to be the foreign mom who everyone tiptoes around, saying how cute my daughter is, but never strikes up a conversation? I know the times we have been in Japan, and have been at parties or gatherings with my husband’s friends, all the moms are so weary of me, like they just don’t know what to do or say.

I’m really not sure how to break through that barrier, but I have the feeling that I’m going to have to be the one to do it. I’m really introverted, so striking up a conversation is not easy for me…but! I’m willing to try! I will have to, for my own sanity.

I’m happy to know that I have fellow mommy friends in Japan who are also foreigners, and I will definitely make the effort to travel every so-often to visit with them. But, living in the countryside, I know I will have to make my own way—I can’t be babied by my husband, and I have to be strong for my kids.

Anyone have any tips?

Jumping Through Hoops: Registering Your Marriage in Japan

My husband and I were married 2 years ago in Saskatchewan, Canada. The past two years have been a blur, and though our relationship status changed, our daily lives really didn’t.

One thing both of us wanted from very early on, was to have our marriage recognized in both Canada and Japan. Our reasons for this are:

1.       So that I can be placed on the family koseki back in Japan as H’s wife (though I think, as a foreigner, it would be more of a “dependant”). H’s dad has been talking about how, when I die, I will be buried in the family grave in the hills of Kakegawa (nice chat to have over a morning coffee, hey?). Therefore, I had to be legally recognized as H’s wife, not just in Canada.

2.       Since Suzuna was born out of wedlock, and in Canada, in order to have her added to the family koseki as well, H has to formally “recognize” Suzuna as his child. This can be done once our marriage is registered as well.

3.       In order for Suzuna to get her Japanese Citizenship, she must be registered on the family koseki.

Before I start, let me be clear that I do not know how registering a marriage that happened in Japan works. It may be the same process if one spouse is a foreigner, I don’t know. This is just our experience registering our marriage while outside of Japan. Now, onward!

It is a process, let me tell you. I wish I could do everything at once, but it is a step-by-step process. Therefore, this blog: so that anyone who is one day in my shoes can possibly be saved from banging their head on the wall, wondering what to do next.

First, don’t be a procrastinator. H and I were married in September 2013, and went to Japan again in October 2014. Only in October did we think, “hey, wouldn’t it be a good idea to get the paperwork done now?”. So, in October we head over to city hall and gathered all the forms to register our marriage.

The first thing you need is to go to city hall and pick up a 婚姻届 (konin todoke or marriage registration) form. The photo above is a blank form I pulled off the internet, as I don't overly want to post our form on here. In total, we had to provide:

1.       A copy of my passport (of course, that’s totally understandable)

2.       A copy of our marriage certificate (both the one given to us by the priest, and the official document from the province) which had to be translated and signed to be a true copy

3.       The 婚姻届, of course. Written in Japanese only, and signed by both husband and wife.

It was a pretty straight forward process, however we made the mistake was not planning ahead. Therefore, we had to do all of this back in Canada, and then send it back to Japan. Twice. Because the first time we sent it I had written the translation, but forgot to actually sign it. Jeez. Then, to make things even more messed up, we got a call from the city stating that our address in Japan “was not valid”.

The reason for this? H’s family home is next to a warehouse that they own for one of their companies. Also on the property is an apartment building and an older building that used to be a little shop. Once all those renovations had taken place, it somehow messed with the address system. We couldn’t just get them to change the address to the proper one, they had to explicitly hear it from my husband that XXX was our address. (Of course when I learned this I thought, “Shouldn’t we have noticed this before?)

Either way, the process of registering our marriage and adding me to the family koseki is complete! The next step will be to have H formally recognize Suzuna as his child. I'm pretty sure that for baby in my tummy, this will not be necessary, as H and I are married. Though I know because baby will be born in Canada, there will still be some paperwork to do.

Still, I am hoping to get the next step of the process over with as quickly as possible. That way, when baby is born, all I have to worry about is applying for visas for Suzuna, baby and I. We will worry about the kids' Japanese Citizenship when we are actually in Japan.

In the end, this will all be worth it. Having our family recognized in both Canada and Japan is so important for us, and having the kids with both citizenships will allow them to choose which country to go to school (until they are of age and must choose one citizenship). 

Why I Teach My Child English and Japanese

A few weeks ago I saw a video on YouTube that really made me think—why do we teach languages to our kids? What are the pros/cons to these decisions? The person who made this video made the argument that she would not teach English to her future children, as she felt it would not benefit them while living in Japan; even though she herself has English as a first language.

I guess I will start off by saying that I am not trying to lessen her argument at all, or say that she is wrong—how we parent our children is our own business, and as long as there is no hardship or abuse to the child, everyone else should just butt out.

But again, this video got me thinking about my own daughter (and unborn child).

Since I was around 15, I have always been surrounded by people who do not have English as their first language, or who have more than one language that they could say they speak fluently. As someone who has only spoken English my whole life, and only began studying Japanese when I was 18, the thought of having a second language was completely foreign—yet intriguing—to me. From then on, I began to hold the ability to be bilingual or multilingual as a goal that I wished to achieve. In a globalized, interconnected world, being able to speak a second language (or third) is in no way, a crutch to one’s possibilities.

Once I became a mom, this idea only increased; every parent wants to try their best to set their child up for success. Not only that, but the father of my children is from Japan. So, why wouldn’t we teach our children Japanese and English?

1.       Family

I have a very close relationship with my family, as does my husband to his. Before we had our daughter, we both were of the opinion that no matter what, our children had to be able to converse with both sides of the families. Asking my family to learn Japanese or his to learn English is just unrealistic; children learn languages a lot more quickly than adults—their brains are like little sponges. I never wanted to cause any anguish to my family (or my husband’s) by having their grandchildren not be able to tell them about their school, friends or so on. Do I expect Suzuna to be fluent in Japanese at age 4? Not at all. I expect myself to put an effort in to teaching her (along with putting her in the local Japanese school) as long as she is willing to learn.

Just because we live in Canada does not make Japanese any less important of a language for her to learn. If, after a few years of Japanese school, she truly does not want to learn Japanese and would rather learn French or Spanish, that will be up to her. But until then, I want to equip my child to have the best tools at her disposal to ensure success in her future. I have no knowledge of any other language other than English and Japanese; so for now, that is what I can offer her. This does not mean that I consider having a second language to be an indication of success—we all know the majority of public leaders cannot speak a second language. A second language is just one tool out of many—so why hold back any tools that may be a benefit?

Maybe we can take a language class together someday? If she doesn’t think I’m too lame by that time, anyway.

2.       Future Jobs

Let’s face it; the world is a constantly changing, intermingling place. Just because I have little use for my Japanese outside of the home, does not mean it will stay that way forever. Whether Suzuna decides to stay in Canada for the rest of her life, move to Japan, or move to any other country of her pleasure does not mean that the need for language will decrease. If anything, knowing more than one language can set a person up to be able to learn additional languages more easily.

She could choose to be a stewardess on an airplane, a teacher, a translator, or an engineer—whatever her choice may be, having a second language will in no way hinder her opportunities. If anything, it may open a few more doors.

3.       Acceptance

I’m not trying to say that when a person speaks another language, they will be more accepting of other races/culture, because we all know that is not the general case. However, if a person truly wants to understand a language, they must also understand a part of the culture that is attached to it. If learning to speak another language will also equip my child to be a more open-minded human being, then I’m all for it.

On the other hand, what would be the cons of teaching my daughter Japanese while living in Canada (or English while living in Japan)? Well, if she could speak Japanese fluently while in Canada, there may not be the opportunity to ever use it. I can speak it to a degree, and I rarely (if ever) come across instances where I can use that skill outside of familial conversation. The same goes for if we were to live in Japan—how often would she be able to even use her English skills, other than to speak to family abroad? Would she get made fun of because of it?

In reality, the chances of a person being singled out negatively for speaking a second language would be the equivalent of a person being ridiculed for having blue eyes—it makes no sense, and often the people ridiculing for such things are drawing at straws.

Would she someday feel that the language was useless? Yeah, maybe. But would she ever think, “Ugh, I wish I didn’t know this language. It’s so dumb”? Probably not.

In a nutshell, I believe that if we as parents have the ability to teach our children our mother tongue, effort should be made to do so. It will never hinder a child to speak a second language, especially when it comes to keeping familial ties and opening the door for future opportunities.

Does this mean that I think a person who is unable to speak a second language will be any less successful in life? No, of course not. Do I think that parents who don't teach their kids another language are any less of a parent? No way, never! The point of this blog is to just put it out there; if you do speak another language, why not teach it to your kids? 

There is my drivel. Take it as you please.

Oh, Hey There!

Well....it has been....a while (?) since I have last posted. More like forever, let's face it...I'm lazy.

I've been thinking of starting a brand new blog lately, and decided to read this old thing. I probably will just continue with this one, just change a few things up a bit.

What has happened since I last posted? My last post I was talking about going to Japan...I guess it's been almost a year since then?

After coming back from Japan, I started a new job in government. It is an amazing job, pays much better than my old job, and I actually don't want to pull my hair out every day (only sometimes). But really, I feel very lucky; my coworkers are amazing, inspiring people. Everyone is older than me, with much more education and professional experience than me. But that's what I love; I am learning from them. And, they are more than happy to give me advice whenever I ask.

Suzuna will be 3 in only 3 months. THREE YEARS OLD! When did time go so fast?
She is a rambunctious toddler, constantly jabbering away, playing pretend. She loves going to daycare, and has two little friends who she is constantly attached to.
Biggest thing though?
She. Is. Potty. Trained.
Oh. My. God. We were so excited when we finally admitted to ourselves that she was potty trained. She hasn't had an accident in nearly a month, and always tells us when she needs to pee or poo, so we can make it to a bathroom on time. She even wakes up at night to tell us she needs to go. I'm tempted to put her in panties at night...but probably not for a year or so yet; just in case.

Another thing?
I'm pregnant!

Just coming up on 16 weeks now. So far this pregnancy has been similar to Suzuna's; no nausea (though there were days where I definitely thought I was gonna hurl a few times). The only differences this time around, are that I am constantly getting headaches. Every single day. I've never been one to get headaches at all, so having headaches daily is really draining.
Also, my body is in a lot more pain/discomfort with this baby. My Dr. says that it's just because this baby is sitting lower, and the muscles in my groin/abdomen are more sensitive. But still! There are days where I can't sit or walk, the discomfort is so bad. It's not like cramping...more like there is a bowling ball in my stomach, crushing my soul.
The past two weeks have been better, so hopefully my stretching muscles are calming the f*** down now.
I am due January 12 (4 days before Hiroya's birthday) so I still have a ways to go yet. In a month we can find out the gender, and we are so excited for that. We already have a name for a boy (Hiroto) but we are undecided on girls names (Yuzuki or Haruna). I guess we still have time to decide!

There are a few more exciting things coming up, but I will leave those for another time.